Mind of the Tiger Lady - Coping with Separation

Coping with separation – Pain and Separation
Coping with separation can be one of the hardest experiences life hands you. Pain and separation can be synonymous. In order to cope with the pain, you often seek to understand what caused the separation, and sometimes you blame yourself. But the truth is, you will experience some kind of separation in your life.
Separation is defined by Webster as: to part, disjoin, scatter, detached, solitary, secluded. Clearly, there are numerous types of separation that you may be facing. Separation may be for a moment, or a lifetime.

Coping with Separation – Short and Long Term
Coping with separation for a short time may involve you or a loved one leaving on a trip, going to war, or moving away to attend college. Although these circumstances are difficult, the hope of the person’s return makes the separation much easier for you to handle. While it is painful, short term separation is usually natural and is a pain that you can overcome. For example, as children grow, they move away from, often starting families of their own. They have separated from their original home, yet they are still part of the family. They may be apart physically, but families can consistently connect through phone calls, e-mails, and visits.
Dealing with separation on a long term basis is more painful. Perhaps this separation will never be resolved due to divorce, death, or ex- communication. Feelings of being excluded, exiled, or locked out often accompany this separation. Long –term separation often results in intense emotional pain that is difficult to overcome. If you are separated due to exclusion or exile, we often feel reject or discriminated against. These feelings can be crippling if not dealt with effectively.

Coping with Separation – Comfort in Embracing and Inclusion
When coping with separation, your need to be loved and accepted intensifies. While counseling is extremely helpful, you can learn to cope with hurtful separation yourself. By understanding how you define the circumstances, and learning to select and embrace what is important to you, you learn to cope. Is it possible to continue loving a person or situation that has excluded or rejected you? Yes, but it is a matter of decision. In others words, you can continue to love in spite of personal pain if you consciously choose to forgive the one who has hurt you, and if you choose to love them anyway. Does this mean the relationship will be restored? Not necessarily but you can learn to cope with the priorities.

Resources for Children and Parents Books on Separation and Loss

• 35 ways to help a grieving child. Dougy Center Staff.
• Brooks, Barbara – The scared child: Helping kids overcome traumatic events. Wiley; 1996
• Bunting, Eve – The memory sting
• Karen L. – Together we’ll get through this
• Cohen, Cindy Klien – Daddy’s promise
• Cohen, Janice – “Why did it happen?” Marrow Junior Books; 1994
• Dentemaro, Christine and Rachel Kranz – Straight talk about anger
• Fitzgerald, Helen – Grieving child
• Trozzi, Maria with Kathy Massimini – Talking with children about loss: words, strategies, and wisdom to help children cope with death, divorce, and other difficult times.
• Alexander, Debra Whiting – Don’t Go!: A story for children – Experiencing separation anxiety following crime or trauma

Other reading material
• LIVING WITH A BRAIN INJURY: A GUIDE FOR FAMILIES – Richard C. Senelick and Dougherty
• TRAUMATIC HEAD INJURY: CAUSE, CONSEQUENCE, AND CHLLENGE – Dennis P. Sweiencinsky, PhD, Terrie L. Price
• WHEN A PARENT HAS A BRAIN INJURY: SONS AND DAUGHTERS SPEAK OUT – Marilyn Lash, MSW
• PROUD CILD, SAFER CHILD: A HANDBOOK FOR PARENTS AND CAREGIVERS OF DISABLED CHILDREN – Merry Cross
• PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE: PROVIDING A MEANINGFUL LIFE FOR A CHILD WITH A DISABILTY AFTER YOUR DEATH – Mark Russell, Attorney, Arnold E. Grant, Attorney; et.al
• OVER MY HEAD: Claudia Osborn
• COPING WITH MILD TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY – Diane Roberts Stoler, EdD, and Barbara Albers Hill
• A GUIDE FOR FAMILIES: LIVING WITH STROKE – Richard Senelick, MD, and Karla Dougherty
• GOD ISN’T FINISHED WITH ME YET – Kathy Hughes